library

the cries we crode on a random tuesday

The other day, Am-am and I were having this random therapy conversation in the library instead of locking in and studying, but that’s okay.

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She asked me: if I had to experience it all over again, all the pain, all the heartbreaks, all the mistakes, and I couldn’t change a thing, would I still choose to go through it? Would I still choose to experience it all over again?

I paused. I had never thought about it that way before.

I paused because my thoughts shocked me a little.

But, of course, the answer is clear.

Of course, I would.

Of course, I would do it all over again.

It was one of the most incredible and ridiculous experiences of my life. Loving that deeply was both breathtaking and agonizing—a paradox I never knew I could endure. I didn’t know I was capable of such love. I didn’t know I was capable of such pain. I didn’t know love could be that powerful or that gut-wrenching.

Reached places within me that no one else ever had, places I didn’t even know existed. 

Break parts of my heart and mind that had never been touched before, parts I didn’t even know I could heal from.

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The truth is, I know my love was unconditional and imperfect—I know it built and broke things, both within me and beyond me.

And the truth is, love, at its core, is meant to be unconditional, but relationships, of any kind, need conditions & boundaries. Without those, unconditional love means nothing. Caring and loving turned into destruction. 

And off we went—to the road and to the forest.

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Apparently, what’s meant to happen will always happen.

And I would do it all over again.

I would make all the same mistakes. I would love just as loudly and just as silently as I did. I would go through all the joy, all the heartbreak, all the chaos. I’d endure every moment.

As cheesy as it sounds, that chapter of my life was one of the happiest, most painful, earth-shattering, world-moving, heart-breaking experiences I’ve ever had. And if I had to go through it all again, just to live it, I wouldn’t hesitate.

So even when the healing road was rocky, and the wounds were still wide open, and resentment and pain and confusion still sometimes spiked in my heart, I told her yes, of course, I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Which is insane when you really think about it.

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We used Tullys Cafe tissues to wipe our tears. 

Even though we didn’t pass the Bechdel test like completely in the end, we in fact started crying way before this point due to a conversation that definitely passed the test with flying colors. We just got a bit derailed. Just two emotional girlies having their convo in the library. I'm so grateful to have her in my life.

But that’s the story for another time.